" I know, because I believe, that God's plans for her are not yet coming to fruition."

What promise is that, Mark? GOD has NEVER promised us good things in this life. Many get it; some do not. For those like me, life is nothing but shit on shit covered in more shit. I am merely Prometheus who has his liver pecked out daily by an eagle only to heal overnight so that the viscous cycle can continue day after day, ad nauseum. It is not enough that I have nothing. It is cruel beyond measure that I am walked into the bakery , seeing and smelling the wonderful things others are enjoying, but I am only allowed to work in the back with my mouth muzzled unable to eat and enjoy.

You wonder why I long for death; even if my faith proves to be in vain, death will bring me peace! If my corpse rots, and my spirit dies, at least I won't have to deal with the daily hellish onslaught. BRING ME DEATH! There is NO ONE who will really miss me; I do not mean to sound unappreciative of my friends, but they live so far away, we only communicate by phone RARELY, and other factors prohibit us from enjoying face to face interactions. In the last 24 years since I was saved, I have not lived my life for myself. I have lived it for GOD and His people. I have loved and comforted and supported and shared all that I have with them. What have I gotten in return? Lies and betrayal and disappointment. I do not expect my friends to scurry about trying to dig up funds to get me through this month's crisis. I have TWO degrees and am a talented nurse. You would think that GOD would have been able to find me a job that puts forth reasonable and ethical demands on me.

Another thing, While Job suffered greatly, he also enjoyed his life for many years before his trial and after as well. I have had nothing but SHIT. We read about Job, and Joseph who was also 'unfairly' put upon as well as some others who were humbled so greatly. But, what about people like me? And, I am not alone! What about people like me who have nothing by the hollow promises of well meaning friends who continue to try and cheer me up with words that I know are lies. My friends are not lying, but GOD is under no oweness to fulfill the prayers of my loved ones. Well meaning folks want to believe GOD has good things planned for us on this earth. BULLSHIT. He never promised that. He HAS promised shit. He has kept that promise.

Several times in the last year, Mark, you have told me that you believed my breakthrough was upon me. Both times, it has meant more trouble; trouble that has caused me to sink deeper into darkness. I know you would never say anything to hurt me, but I think what you have seen is your hopes for my blessing when there is no blessing there to be had.

So, I welcome death. My BP is skyrocketing again and so I pray I will stroke out or have a massive MI and that will be the end of it My chest pain and shooting pain in my head are very telling; and, oh. let's not forget the ringing in my ears. It I go to heaven, wonderful. If I just rot in the ground, all the better. If I rot and my spirit dies, at least I won't be disappointed again.